| its been |
[May. 6th, 2008|05:52 pm] |
a ridiculously long time since i've written. i just feel the need to vent real quick. so... my highest weight was 189... and now i'm like 143 give or take a pound or 2. i fit into more things than ever before... but my fucking gut still looks like this disgusting bag of shit. i can't fucking take it anymore. i run atleast 6 days a week. and i eat well. once in a while ill eat something unhealthy... or eat too late.. but big fucking deal. more than half the people i know sit on their asses and eat pints of fucking ice cream and don't gain a fucking thing. im so fucking sick and tired of this goddamn mother fucking cunt shitbag bullshit. this is so frustrating to me. i dont like to use that kinda profanity.. im just really fucking goddamn frustrated. i feel like ANYBODY else woulda fucking been where they want to be right now. and no i dont do this for dudes or appeal.. i stay healthy because i fucking feel good. and because its the only thing in life that i feel that i can really control and because im uncomfortable in my fucking skin. so all you shitheads who think i'm losing weight for some shmuck, you're kidding yourself you dumb mother fuckers. i dont feel good about myself... and thats all that ever matters. is how you see and how you feel about yourself.
FUCKK.
so im gonna go run, and gain about 3 more lbs because thats what seems to happen when i run. good day. |
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| good luck to you fucking both! |
[Jan. 2nd, 2008|10:24 am] |
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i'm sorry that i'm not your perfect mold. im chubby, i wear makeup, i do my hair. i have a sense of humor, and i use it to cover up a lot of bullshit so i don't walk around like a zombie, i just want to have fun with my life. i can hold a good conversation with people. and i like to drink. i see things from other peoples point of views which is why i am sensitive to other peoples thoughts. i am a good person, who will do anything for anyone... and i always get walked all over. i am taken for granted and i am done with everyones bullshit. now that i have seen i can be so easily replaced.... i have no worries. because sooner than later... she'll see it too. she'll feel every bit of awfulness that you have bestowed on me. she'll see how great you are in the beginning and how shitty you turn out in the end because you're bored or it gets old to you. your substances, overtake your heart. and its a shame. you forget how good you have it... and you don't realize the people that do everything for you. you can't hold it together because you always look for the negative in people so you can push them away because you hate to be happy. you hate it more than anything. you can't deny how we felt. you can't deny what you pushed away. one day... you'll see it... one day you'll realize who loves you more than anything, and despite your problems, your issues, your abuse... i was the one willing to stick around. no one will put up with your shit, your criticizing, nothing. you lie to make me think its not be you want to get away from. but you are a coward. you cannot express yourself freely and you are trapped. and i feel sorry that you are not comfortable in your own skin to speak your mind. she will see WHO you really are. good luck to you both. |
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| in the beginning. |
[Nov. 12th, 2007|12:04 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  aggravated | ] |
all i want is him to look at me with passion, with love, with want. all i want is to hear him say i love you and mean it. i want him to hold me while we sleep. i want him to put forth effort in something he claims to want so badly. i don't want to hurt anymore. i don't want to cry anymore. i just want him. thats all i want. i want him to love me like he did in the beginning. i want him to look at me like this:
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| dead. |
[Oct. 29th, 2007|05:57 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sick | ] |
i'm tired of hurting.
i'm tired of being confused.
its like this pain in my stomach and my chest and my head and my whole body. and i can't really physically feel anbything and it just hurts so bad... i cant even imagine whats comming to me. i don't even want to think about, but its all that i can think about. i'm so sorry to anyone who i ever hurt. i'm so sorry. i'm sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry. |
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| and its been a while... |
[Oct. 9th, 2007|10:03 pm] |
okay i know its been a while.
but lets pick up way after i left off which is i dont fuckin know when. so far, i'm taking 3 classes at county... bio, sociology, and history... which im actually beginning to really enjoy! i have a boyfriend.<3 named john.
so lately i've been hangin out with some cool people, gina, dan and tasha (tomorrow).
i'm trying to surround myself with good people, who have their heads on right. i'm tired of people turning out NOT how expected.
i miss john. a lot. sometimes i feel like despite the fact that he promised he wouldn't give up, i feel that he may be. not because he wants to, but because he is so torn on the situation. (him being in va and me being here).
i was talking to someone about the fact that love doesn't have to be so difficult. life doesn't have to be so difficult. you wake up, go to work or school... figure out what you want to do for fun, do it. come home. go to sleep. wake up and figure out the day all over again. if we all lived for ourselves... we'd all be pretty happy. but thats not the case. the truth is, we live on the actions of other. people do stupid things and get hurt, or their actions end up hurting others. if you love someone, be with them. i was talking to his cute little columbian woman at work and she and i were talking about living in va and nj... and the whole situation.. and she said, do you love him? and i said more than anyone. theres something about him, that draws me to him. and she said then be with him. even if you are here and he is there, make it work. if you love eachother, you'll make it work. its worth it if its real. even if he was in florida and you were in maine. if you love eachother, you will be together.
i love him. although he said it first, and it took me some time to say it back... it hit me like a ton of bricks. i love him so much. when i went to va last weekend.... and we were kissing, i started to say i love you, and i felt myself swelling up... i almost started crying. i'm so afraid of losing him. but i feel like i may be. i understand he is going through so much, and i want to be here to support him. even if its not physically supportive all of the time.
for me, i have so much shit going on at home, and its taking a toll on me. before i met john, it was killing me. slowly.. i kept getting sick, really sick. they didn't know what is wrong with me. after brian broke things off (which i wasn't that crushed about because he was a asshole) i made a promise to myself that i wouldnt date because it was a waste of time unless i met someone really stellar, and i would concentrate on money and school and home. i had talked to john on and off on myspace but i didnt think anything of it. he had been living in VA at the time we started talking. the night he moved home i remember i was at a show at the franklinville place i think. john text me and said hey i just moved home from va, lets hang out love. annd after the show, precious and i met up with him. and we hung out and talked at wawa for a few hours then went back to my house and attempted to watch a movie, then ended up talking about everything and then he left at like 5. he text me right away and told me to go to the shore the next day. we ended up meeting up the next day, he took forever to get there because he got caught up in traffic because his mom saw him or whatever. it was awesome. we went back to my house and we walked zach home then walked to the park on sandringham. we sat and talked for a while. he was so sweet. and ugh...i was getting crazy about him... and tried not to think too much of it because i didnt think he felt the same until the next day he text me when i was at work. i can remember the little gay spot i was standing when i read the message.. he told me i dont know if you feel the same way but i really am starting to like you a lot. youre really different blah blah blah, i remember that moment i completely fell for him. SO HARD. it was retarded. i like lost brain cells over it. and i told him back that i totally wanted him. and he said he wanted to kisss me the night before. and i wanted him to. so we hung out that night... and the one after that and the one after that. we went to apple pie hill, where it was the first time he kissed me. we were standing on the drivers side of the probe and he was wearing his little stripped sweater. it was so cute. we were in the midst of laughing and leaned into eachother and he finally did it. it took him til like 4 am it was adorible. then we went to wildwood and then cape may. and kissed on the beach... ahhhh. lol. im so gay. but the last night we had together he met my friend rachael, which was the last time i saw her. the next day he went back to va. i remember we were standing outside his car before he left and he said... do you think because i'm going to va means we wont be together? i said yeah... and he said i wont let that happen. he was kind of the cheerleader of the relationship. for a while he was fine, but then he started to get weird about things when i came back after the first trip. the POINT is i have never felt this way... i never even thought i was capable of feeling this way, but the fact is i do.. and im scared to death of it. and i havent been because he makes me not afraid of anything... but im scared to death im going to lose him because i find that everything important in my life i lose. its like 'god' gives me a dose of something, and takes it away... I GET IT!!! IVE LEARNED TO APPRECIATE THE THINGS I HAVE, GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK! THROW ME A FUCKING BONE GOD. this is going to be difficult, its going to be really hard, but it'll work. i mean for those 2 months he lived in va, all of a sudden he picked up and moved home. and me of all people he text messaged... when we started hanging out, his cell phone stopped working.... and in that two weeks he was back... 'magic' happened. and who the fuck is to say that fate DID NOT step in.. and all of that stuff is coincidental.. really. i mean... how is it such perfect timing that he suddenly came home, after he text me and all was said and done, his phone broke. THEN HE WENT BACK. we were fucking meant to meet eachother. thats how i see it. i love him... thats all i can really say. to the point of belly aches and tears. i fucking love john michael fraley. |
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| i'm done. |
[Aug. 26th, 2007|12:09 pm] |
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nothing is ever easy. now, i'm not trying to be a pain in the ass and complain... but why is it, that the things in MY life never work out? NOTHING ever goes the way i want it to... is it something i'm doing? because i can't help the way that i am, or the way i do things. maybe one day i'll figure out what i'm doing wrong, because i'm all about change and trying things a different way. right now, i'm in a rut. john told me he was going back to VA for 2 weeks tops, and i know its his life and hes gotta do whats best for him, but why is it, that my FIRST boyfriend fucking moves 300 miles away and now is probably staying there. i can't do this. its too hard for me to be without him day to day. but then i think how id be if we broke up. i can't do that either. i'm so stuck. everyone is going back to school. precious, corina, sam, lisa, jeff is going away, caity, rachael is in chicago. i practically have NO ONE. and i just realized that. i mean i have a bunch of new friends that i met... but its not the same. everyone fucking leaves, i gotta get out of this place. my life is going to follow the same fucking pattern FOREVER unless i get the fuck out of here. i can't take this. i'm done. |
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| while past while gone |
[Aug. 13th, 2007|11:38 am] |
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Its been a long while since i last wrote. a lot has happened. with the family, with school. with everything. about 2 weeks ago, i met a boy. hes as close to perfect for me as i have ever found. everything i want in a guy, he is. i don't care about anything else. and i mean that in the sense, i feel better about things when i'm around him. i'm comfortable around him. as of late, he needs a place to stay, and things aren't going well with his mom. so he may have to go back to virginia. where he hates it. when he told me that on the phone yesterday i started crying. and i realized i like him even more than i though. and i know this sounds crazy, really crazy, and i'd generally laugh at people for this, but after 2 weeks, i'm as close with him as i am with most of my really close friends. we clicked immediately. i care about him so much. its almost retarded. i really hope things work out. i finally found something. i'd like to hold on to it. <3 |
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| you wouldnt do that would you? |
[Jul. 1st, 2007|05:42 pm] |
double dose. over dose. high. low. hate. love. strike. emotion. cry. tear. scream. yell. holler. slap. medicine. drugs. ignorance. assistance. neurology. dumb.
these are only a few factors of my life. the life i hate. the only life i've come to know. i hate it. i hate it i hate it. i hate my life so much. im not even upset right now. im clear headed and calm right now. and i can clear headedly honestly say, i hate my life. the aspects i love are few. i hate my life. i cant handle this shit. it sucks so bad. im tired of crying. im tired of hating and being angry. im so fucking tired of it. i cant take this shit anymore. it fucking sucks so bad. i hate it i hate it i hate it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 18th, 2007|11:08 pm] |
tomorrow im opening at work again at 530AM. i hate being up so early. but hey whatever.
my mom and i had a long talk. about the big deal. i couldn't stop crying. i've realized there are some things in this world that we can get so attached to, even if theyre not living beings, but you get so attached that, you could choose the worst over giving that up. its a terrifying thing for me. its the only place i've known to be home. and nothing will ever take its place. i worry about the people that are apart of it. and the scariest thing is, i don't know how much longer it will be in my life. i will go by as often as possible. i've been dreading this since i was little, and finally, its closer than ever. more terrifying than ever, because the bond (good and bad) has grown so much stronger and so much tighter. i don't know where i will go from here. i'm terrified. |
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| masage money?? |
[Jan. 26th, 2007|10:05 pm] |
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it really sucks when you can't relax at home. you LOVE going to work, its the highlight of your day. the most relaxing moments are driving to and from. you can't sleep. you can't go out at night because you have to take care of someone over 40 years older than you because theyre retarded. you have knots in your back the size of fists. you have to work and go to school full time to help pay for your house because the people you should depend on won't be decent. won't be caring. won't stop acting like a teenager when that era of their life ended 40 years ago. children should not raise their parents. parents should raise their children... its too bad things don't always end up like they should. |
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| cat soup. |
[Jan. 16th, 2007|03:41 pm] |
everyone thinks i suddenly like rob because i hung out with him once. i've never liked rob, a couple of my friends have, but i havent. 1. he's cute, but not the general kind of guy i usually go after. 2. i don't see him enough or know him well enough to like him like that. dont get me wrong, hes an attractive guy... but hes been like a brother to me in the past. i dont know how to explain it. anyways. i still like you know whooo, but its cool.... were friends now and im totally cool with his gf shes never been mean to me or anything. and im way more relaxed around him. anyways, i'm developing a little crush on his friend. whose pretty damn cute. anyways.
thats all i gotta say.
frustrations at home.... like always. see youu |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 11th, 2007|02:00 pm] |
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if i find out you lied to me... i'll drop you like a hat. i love my friends.but i don't tolerate lies. not now, not anymore. this isn't high school. GROW UP! |
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| queezy |
[Jan. 11th, 2007|11:39 am] |
lets all get wasted and not remember anything we do, because thats what fun is all about. getting shitfaced and not knowing anything then puking your brains out. because this is the only way to have fun, and if you actually want to remember what you did, your a pussy.
people never grow up.
i'm going to the gym. everyone sells out. i was thinking the other day, when i was talking to rob, i dont really call myself edge anymore. you know. i dont really think about it. but, i don't drink or anything either. i just dont know if i like that label. i don't really like labels in general... but people use them to describe something. you know? i get what im talking about. wow this post is really gayyyy. i gotta go pull my eyes out. troc tonight with pagan.
chinese food never again. my stomach is still a bit queezy. |
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| yeahh |
[Jan. 10th, 2007|01:24 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | room | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  tired | ] |
| [ | music |
| | running waters. | ] |
tonight i hung out with corina and sam and we had a lot of fun. we went to whole foods and got some gelato.. sam never had it before.. and she loved it! i got chocolate covered pretzel and white chocolate cranberry. mmm it was fabulous. anyways. we went to target, bought a couple movies, i bought bill cosby himself. and chicago. both really good. i made the both of them watch bill cosby. corina loved it, sam didnt haha. it was too long for her goldfish attention span. i have work at 9am. but its okay because im done at 1 and the morning shift is busier so it goes by faster.
things with dad have been a lot better lately... knock on wood. i hope it stays that way. i really don't want to leave the house. its the only home i've ever known. and i'm way too attatched to it.
i bought my mom a fishtank. she wants to take it back and get a smaller one.. SILLY. im like if you were a fish, would you want a tiny little tank to go back and fourth. and shes like how much room do they need. anyway.. i want to get a bubble eyed goldfish.. theyre SOOO cute and ugly. i can't wait. but the freak my mom out. after i catch up with some bills im going to buy a hamster. eventually im going to get a duck named larry and he will quack when i say quack. and i will love him and he will cuddle with me and poop on everything and it will be great.
i hope jill breaks up wth shawn soon. he keeps getting her sick. hes becoming emotionally abusive. she makes really good money at her job and hes a fucking bum. he counts her money when she gets home.. and then bugs her to pay his bills. and then takes her money and wont give it to her. and when she asks for it.. he'll only give her like 10 or 20 bucks at a time.. and spends the rest. thats not a relationship. shes not allowed to have any of her friends over the apartment that SHE pays for. he sits and degrates overweight people in front of me. which really pisses me off. tells me im a pussy and bitches at me because i don't smoke pot anymore, or drink. he picks fights and is always in a complainginly bad mood. its okay.. because he looks like a tuccan. big schnoz. aaaaaanyway. i gotta clean my room its a mess. but for now.. im going to bed. then work. then the gym. then sometime with audrey. then the gym again. then probably goldfish.. i mean sam. ahhaa. sam said she was hurt by that.
i miss him. i really do. i need to talk to him about everything that went on, because i'm finding myself thinking about it all the time and dwelling on it. i can't take it anymore. i just need to call him. and get him to meet me somewhere so we can talk. i need to know the honest truth. only time will tell i suppose.
goodnight and goodluck. |
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| buddy |
[Jan. 3rd, 2007|06:34 pm] |
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the biggest gap in my heart will always be kept open for joey. the time i had allowed me to engulf myself in a little big of life that shinned brighter than the sun and allowed me to feel love and compassion for something that really needed me. a best friend until the day i die, even though he is no longer with us. i think about him almost every day. miss you buddy<3 |
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| out like a light. |
[Dec. 31st, 2006|12:23 pm] |
wow its so nice to have a sunday off finally. im gonna go ride my bike or something.
amanda slept over last night, good times. it was awesome waking up hearing waynes world on. that set my mood for the day. anyways. tonights new years eve already. i cant believe it. the last holiday until valentines day. it still doesnt feel like the holiday time yet. you know. its really strange. its going to be 07'. i mean i graduated in 06' and now its another year that SOMEONE ELSE graduates. its really weird. sometimes i still feel like im in high school. and when i went back, the halls didnt look any different like they do when you visit middle or elementary school. its so WEIRD. i feel like im growing up and staying a kid all at the same time. i have a year and a half until im 20 and i know it sounds so far away but im half a year into 18 which mean 2 1/2 years ago was my sweet 16 which i remember as if it was this past june, instead of 3 junes ago. so a year and a half is NOTHING. nothing at all. a lot can happen within that nothing at all, but its still no time at all. it feels weird. weirder than anything. to be growing up. you know. what really made me upset was at the end of senior year, people wrote in my year book, have a nice life, and things to that degree which made me really really realize, i may NEVER see any of these people again. everyone will be leaving their HOMES which they have grown up in and going to other cities, states and countries to get jobs and go to school and have families. its especially weird for the kids iv known since pre school and K. it feels so unreal. even the kids who were total jerks, i will still miss seeing their faces around. just knowing that everyone is THERE every day. and no matter how good or bad high school got, we were all there together.. whether we were friends or not. and now, we don't have that. graduation was an extremely emotion day for me. it came and went faster than anything in the world. times a tricky fucker. it really is. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 26th, 2006|06:36 pm] |
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to the person who anonymously posted something before. i wrote that because i was angry because one of my so called best friends is allowing some girl who he is afraid is going to kill her to control his life and who his friends are. i am not arrogant.. but i do understand friendship. i know my problems and i know theyre not better or worse than anyone else's. its very cowardess of you to NOT list your name. because you obviously have something to hide. i dont know where you get off preaching because you dont know me and you dont know the entire story. i was simply talking about the fact that i think its bullshit how people allow other to control their life by manipulation. and how they get away with it. im sorry you dont understand that. im not trying to sound like a bitch, im just stating what this is all about. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 26th, 2006|06:32 pm] |
so today i saw steve at target. i didnt say hi, because well.. i dont feel like getting my tires slashed by that psychotic lardass bitch he's seeing who threatens me every time i say hello to him. but he saw me.. and he didnt say anything at all. he got a kind of nervous look on his face. i think about him a lot. and i miss him a lot. i wish things didnt turn out this way. i wish people were pushovers for these controlling bitches who threaten to kill themselves or OD on heroin if they don't stay with them. i dont know about you, i think id rather OD on heroin if i found out my bf didnt want to be with me, but he was with me because he was afraid of me. i wouldnt want that. id be like fine, its okay i dont want it to be like this, but you cant sacrifice your feelings for the sake of someone else.. its not fair to them and its not fair to you. i miss him. i'm hoping one day, way way down the road... we'll be able to be good friends again. once he grows up. and gets rid of her once and for all. hahaha everytime my dad clears his throat its so loud and obnoxious i can hear it 3 floors up! hahaha.
i found some pictures of me eating chicken from when i was a baby and put it on my myspace ahhaha it was so funny. im like.. i still eat like that! i love going through old pictures. seeing pictures from orin and jills bar and bat mitzvahs. its kind of funny, i dont even feel bad about not having one. ONE time i felt bad about it, and that was a few weeks ago when i was catoring a bat mitzvah.. and i was remember how fun it can be to be a jew. i miss that kind of stuff. speaking of.. i saw my 5th grade hebrew school teacher the other day at wegmans. i saw her and it struck me so FAST how i knew her. i was like excuse me, did you used to teach at temple beth tikvah!? and shes like yes... im like I WAS IN YOUR CLASS!!! and she remembered me. wow it was crazy. she looks the same. i miss natashia. haha shes how i met josh ahhaha that was probably the oddest situation ever. every time i see a yellow xterra, i always look for atom. even though hes in NC. i still look.
anyways. my momma's sick so iv been takin care of her, i got her soup and oj, and i gave her a manicure. it was pretty cute.
biggest fears:
an overflowing toilet
people leaving the bathroom door open after it was in use
and breathing someone else's bodily air. GROSS. haha it just bugs me out. i cant take it.
i ate too much this weekend. it was nuts. this week im going to be very very good. <3333
take care. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 14th, 2006|09:40 pm] |
this girl is so dumb
so what he doesn't want to be with you?
get the fuck over it. someone who i really liked, is seeing someone who ISNT me, and yeah i still have feelings for him, but i'v moved on. i'v learned the only way to find peace within myself, is by the power of acceptence. and i'v accepted that he chose to be with someone else, and the fact that hes happy, makes me okay with it, because i know its something he has wanted for a long time. and because im a good person, i'v left him alone. yes, im working on the friendship side of things, but thats all i want.. and why children? BECAUSE I ACCEPT HIM AND HIS CHOICE and i RESPECT THAT. i'm not poppin oxys, doing coke, heroine to make him feel guilty. the only person in charge of my life, is me. and right now, he is not within my grasp.
accept it you asshole.
get the fuck over it.
move on.
stop trying claiming 'property' that isn't yours.
this isn't a damn reward ceremony.
people aren't possessions.
and because you don't realize this, i will ALWAYS be a better person than you, because you have way too much goddamn space between your friggin ears.
ditz. |
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| fuck |
[Dec. 14th, 2006|12:36 am] |
for the first time in my life, i was actually disgusted when he touched me. it was only my hand. but i didnt want to touch him one bit. its so difficult caring so much about someone, your own flesh and blood, and they do everything they possibly can to fuck you over. things get better yea yea i know. but since i was a little chap, iv been waiting for things to get better. if its not one... its the other. theres too much shit on my plate. maybe thats why im so fat, because i always have a full plate. all that fucking cortisol creeps up on me. i don't know wtf is going to happen. i think moms going to make us move out. if that happens. im going to hate him for that. the one thing that gives me comfort is my home, and thats going to be taken away from me.
im disgusted. |
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