| its been |
[May. 6th, 2008|05:52 pm] |
a ridiculously long time since i've written. i just feel the need to vent real quick. so... my highest weight was 189... and now i'm like 143 give or take a pound or 2. i fit into more things than ever before... but my fucking gut still looks like this disgusting bag of shit. i can't fucking take it anymore. i run atleast 6 days a week. and i eat well. once in a while ill eat something unhealthy... or eat too late.. but big fucking deal. more than half the people i know sit on their asses and eat pints of fucking ice cream and don't gain a fucking thing. im so fucking sick and tired of this goddamn mother fucking cunt shitbag bullshit. this is so frustrating to me. i dont like to use that kinda profanity.. im just really fucking goddamn frustrated. i feel like ANYBODY else woulda fucking been where they want to be right now. and no i dont do this for dudes or appeal.. i stay healthy because i fucking feel good. and because its the only thing in life that i feel that i can really control and because im uncomfortable in my fucking skin. so all you shitheads who think i'm losing weight for some shmuck, you're kidding yourself you dumb mother fuckers. i dont feel good about myself... and thats all that ever matters. is how you see and how you feel about yourself.
FUCKK.
so im gonna go run, and gain about 3 more lbs because thats what seems to happen when i run. good day. |
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| good luck to you fucking both! |
[Jan. 2nd, 2008|10:24 am] |
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i'm sorry that i'm not your perfect mold. im chubby, i wear makeup, i do my hair. i have a sense of humor, and i use it to cover up a lot of bullshit so i don't walk around like a zombie, i just want to have fun with my life. i can hold a good conversation with people. and i like to drink. i see things from other peoples point of views which is why i am sensitive to other peoples thoughts. i am a good person, who will do anything for anyone... and i always get walked all over. i am taken for granted and i am done with everyones bullshit. now that i have seen i can be so easily replaced.... i have no worries. because sooner than later... she'll see it too. she'll feel every bit of awfulness that you have bestowed on me. she'll see how great you are in the beginning and how shitty you turn out in the end because you're bored or it gets old to you. your substances, overtake your heart. and its a shame. you forget how good you have it... and you don't realize the people that do everything for you. you can't hold it together because you always look for the negative in people so you can push them away because you hate to be happy. you hate it more than anything. you can't deny how we felt. you can't deny what you pushed away. one day... you'll see it... one day you'll realize who loves you more than anything, and despite your problems, your issues, your abuse... i was the one willing to stick around. no one will put up with your shit, your criticizing, nothing. you lie to make me think its not be you want to get away from. but you are a coward. you cannot express yourself freely and you are trapped. and i feel sorry that you are not comfortable in your own skin to speak your mind. she will see WHO you really are. good luck to you both. |
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| in the beginning. |
[Nov. 12th, 2007|12:04 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  aggravated | ] |
all i want is him to look at me with passion, with love, with want. all i want is to hear him say i love you and mean it. i want him to hold me while we sleep. i want him to put forth effort in something he claims to want so badly. i don't want to hurt anymore. i don't want to cry anymore. i just want him. thats all i want. i want him to love me like he did in the beginning. i want him to look at me like this:
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| dead. |
[Oct. 29th, 2007|05:57 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sick | ] |
i'm tired of hurting.
i'm tired of being confused.
its like this pain in my stomach and my chest and my head and my whole body. and i can't really physically feel anbything and it just hurts so bad... i cant even imagine whats comming to me. i don't even want to think about, but its all that i can think about. i'm so sorry to anyone who i ever hurt. i'm so sorry. i'm sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry. |
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| and its been a while... |
[Oct. 9th, 2007|10:03 pm] |
okay i know its been a while.
but lets pick up way after i left off which is i dont fuckin know when. so far, i'm taking 3 classes at county... bio, sociology, and history... which im actually beginning to really enjoy! i have a boyfriend.<3 named john.
so lately i've been hangin out with some cool people, gina, dan and tasha (tomorrow).
i'm trying to surround myself with good people, who have their heads on right. i'm tired of people turning out NOT how expected.
i miss john. a lot. sometimes i feel like despite the fact that he promised he wouldn't give up, i feel that he may be. not because he wants to, but because he is so torn on the situation. (him being in va and me being here).
i was talking to someone about the fact that love doesn't have to be so difficult. life doesn't have to be so difficult. you wake up, go to work or school... figure out what you want to do for fun, do it. come home. go to sleep. wake up and figure out the day all over again. if we all lived for ourselves... we'd all be pretty happy. but thats not the case. the truth is, we live on the actions of other. people do stupid things and get hurt, or their actions end up hurting others. if you love someone, be with them. i was talking to his cute little columbian woman at work and she and i were talking about living in va and nj... and the whole situation.. and she said, do you love him? and i said more than anyone. theres something about him, that draws me to him. and she said then be with him. even if you are here and he is there, make it work. if you love eachother, you'll make it work. its worth it if its real. even if he was in florida and you were in maine. if you love eachother, you will be together.
i love him. although he said it first, and it took me some time to say it back... it hit me like a ton of bricks. i love him so much. when i went to va last weekend.... and we were kissing, i started to say i love you, and i felt myself swelling up... i almost started crying. i'm so afraid of losing him. but i feel like i may be. i understand he is going through so much, and i want to be here to support him. even if its not physically supportive all of the time.
for me, i have so much shit going on at home, and its taking a toll on me. before i met john, it was killing me. slowly.. i kept getting sick, really sick. they didn't know what is wrong with me. after brian broke things off (which i wasn't that crushed about because he was a asshole) i made a promise to myself that i wouldnt date because it was a waste of time unless i met someone really stellar, and i would concentrate on money and school and home. i had talked to john on and off on myspace but i didnt think anything of it. he had been living in VA at the time we started talking. the night he moved home i remember i was at a show at the franklinville place i think. john text me and said hey i just moved home from va, lets hang out love. annd after the show, precious and i met up with him. and we hung out and talked at wawa for a few hours then went back to my house and attempted to watch a movie, then ended up talking about everything and then he left at like 5. he text me right away and told me to go to the shore the next day. we ended up meeting up the next day, he took forever to get there because he got caught up in traffic because his mom saw him or whatever. it was awesome. we went back to my house and we walked zach home then walked to the park on sandringham. we sat and talked for a while. he was so sweet. and ugh...i was getting crazy about him... and tried not to think too much of it because i didnt think he felt the same until the next day he text me when i was at work. i can remember the little gay spot i was standing when i read the message.. he told me i dont know if you feel the same way but i really am starting to like you a lot. youre really different blah blah blah, i remember that moment i completely fell for him. SO HARD. it was retarded. i like lost brain cells over it. and i told him back that i totally wanted him. and he said he wanted to kisss me the night before. and i wanted him to. so we hung out that night... and the one after that and the one after that. we went to apple pie hill, where it was the first time he kissed me. we were standing on the drivers side of the probe and he was wearing his little stripped sweater. it was so cute. we were in the midst of laughing and leaned into eachother and he finally did it. it took him til like 4 am it was adorible. then we went to wildwood and then cape may. and kissed on the beach... ahhhh. lol. im so gay. but the last night we had together he met my friend rachael, which was the last time i saw her. the next day he went back to va. i remember we were standing outside his car before he left and he said... do you think because i'm going to va means we wont be together? i said yeah... and he said i wont let that happen. he was kind of the cheerleader of the relationship. for a while he was fine, but then he started to get weird about things when i came back after the first trip. the POINT is i have never felt this way... i never even thought i was capable of feeling this way, but the fact is i do.. and im scared to death of it. and i havent been because he makes me not afraid of anything... but im scared to death im going to lose him because i find that everything important in my life i lose. its like 'god' gives me a dose of something, and takes it away... I GET IT!!! IVE LEARNED TO APPRECIATE THE THINGS I HAVE, GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK! THROW ME A FUCKING BONE GOD. this is going to be difficult, its going to be really hard, but it'll work. i mean for those 2 months he lived in va, all of a sudden he picked up and moved home. and me of all people he text messaged... when we started hanging out, his cell phone stopped working.... and in that two weeks he was back... 'magic' happened. and who the fuck is to say that fate DID NOT step in.. and all of that stuff is coincidental.. really. i mean... how is it such perfect timing that he suddenly came home, after he text me and all was said and done, his phone broke. THEN HE WENT BACK. we were fucking meant to meet eachother. thats how i see it. i love him... thats all i can really say. to the point of belly aches and tears. i fucking love john michael fraley. |
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| i'm done. |
[Aug. 26th, 2007|12:09 pm] |
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nothing is ever easy. now, i'm not trying to be a pain in the ass and complain... but why is it, that the things in MY life never work out? NOTHING ever goes the way i want it to... is it something i'm doing? because i can't help the way that i am, or the way i do things. maybe one day i'll figure out what i'm doing wrong, because i'm all about change and trying things a different way. right now, i'm in a rut. john told me he was going back to VA for 2 weeks tops, and i know its his life and hes gotta do whats best for him, but why is it, that my FIRST boyfriend fucking moves 300 miles away and now is probably staying there. i can't do this. its too hard for me to be without him day to day. but then i think how id be if we broke up. i can't do that either. i'm so stuck. everyone is going back to school. precious, corina, sam, lisa, jeff is going away, caity, rachael is in chicago. i practically have NO ONE. and i just realized that. i mean i have a bunch of new friends that i met... but its not the same. everyone fucking leaves, i gotta get out of this place. my life is going to follow the same fucking pattern FOREVER unless i get the fuck out of here. i can't take this. i'm done. |
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| while past while gone |
[Aug. 13th, 2007|11:38 am] |
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Its been a long while since i last wrote. a lot has happened. with the family, with school. with everything. about 2 weeks ago, i met a boy. hes as close to perfect for me as i have ever found. everything i want in a guy, he is. i don't care about anything else. and i mean that in the sense, i feel better about things when i'm around him. i'm comfortable around him. as of late, he needs a place to stay, and things aren't going well with his mom. so he may have to go back to virginia. where he hates it. when he told me that on the phone yesterday i started crying. and i realized i like him even more than i though. and i know this sounds crazy, really crazy, and i'd generally laugh at people for this, but after 2 weeks, i'm as close with him as i am with most of my really close friends. we clicked immediately. i care about him so much. its almost retarded. i really hope things work out. i finally found something. i'd like to hold on to it. <3 |
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| you wouldnt do that would you? |
[Jul. 1st, 2007|05:42 pm] |
double dose. over dose. high. low. hate. love. strike. emotion. cry. tear. scream. yell. holler. slap. medicine. drugs. ignorance. assistance. neurology. dumb.
these are only a few factors of my life. the life i hate. the only life i've come to know. i hate it. i hate it i hate it. i hate my life so much. im not even upset right now. im clear headed and calm right now. and i can clear headedly honestly say, i hate my life. the aspects i love are few. i hate my life. i cant handle this shit. it sucks so bad. im tired of crying. im tired of hating and being angry. im so fucking tired of it. i cant take this shit anymore. it fucking sucks so bad. i hate it i hate it i hate it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 18th, 2007|11:08 pm] |
tomorrow im opening at work again at 530AM. i hate being up so early. but hey whatever.
my mom and i had a long talk. about the big deal. i couldn't stop crying. i've realized there are some things in this world that we can get so attached to, even if theyre not living beings, but you get so attached that, you could choose the worst over giving that up. its a terrifying thing for me. its the only place i've known to be home. and nothing will ever take its place. i worry about the people that are apart of it. and the scariest thing is, i don't know how much longer it will be in my life. i will go by as often as possible. i've been dreading this since i was little, and finally, its closer than ever. more terrifying than ever, because the bond (good and bad) has grown so much stronger and so much tighter. i don't know where i will go from here. i'm terrified. |
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| masage money?? |
[Jan. 26th, 2007|10:05 pm] |
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it really sucks when you can't relax at home. you LOVE going to work, its the highlight of your day. the most relaxing moments are driving to and from. you can't sleep. you can't go out at night because you have to take care of someone over 40 years older than you because theyre retarded. you have knots in your back the size of fists. you have to work and go to school full time to help pay for your house because the people you should depend on won't be decent. won't be caring. won't stop acting like a teenager when that era of their life ended 40 years ago. children should not raise their parents. parents should raise their children... its too bad things don't always end up like they should. |
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